Learning Again

This poem was originally posted on November 14, 2015. When I reflect back on my writing from my 20s through until now, it’s clear that my conditions have impacted my life on a consistent basis… as it’s reflected in my words so frequently. So many times I’d feel like I was finally getting back on my feet and moving in a direction that felt good, when “bam!”, another flare up would hit that would bring me to my knees. In 2015, when I wrote this post, I was in the midst of a flare up that would prove to be the worst one I’d ever experienced, and it would take me the better part of 3 years to stabilize enough to function as a self-sufficient adult again (and I’m still not 100% there). It’s also the flare-up that would lead to my C-PTSD diagnosis a little over 2 years later. It’s clear that I have been experiencing symptoms of C-PTSD throughout much of my life, and it went undiagnosed, though the symptoms were definitely more prevalent and worsened with my flare up in 2015. I literally felt like I was losing ever aspect of my ability to function physically and mentally.

On a positive note, it was with this flare up that I began to appreciate that my conditions and health challenges were not my fault, it had nothing to do with being out of alignment, I wasn’t going to be able to “think” them away, and I did not manifest them into my life in any way that would require blame or shame — they were, instead, a part of my spiritual journey. What I was experiencing was very real and I felt afraid because, at the time, my symptoms were worsening and the doctors were struggling to find the best way to help me alleviate symptoms and improve. Eventually, all I knew to do was surrender in the moment and “let go and let God,” as they say… and turn to words to express and share the truth, suffering, faith, and hope that had carried me through so many times before.  With love …

Originally posted on November 14, 2015

If you or anyone you know is or has struggled with ongoing illness, know that you’re not alone, as I’ve had to continually remind myself in recent months. Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading and sharing. Lots of Love– Me. xo

Learning Again

You’ve got my attention
Yes, I see
You can quiet down now
It’s just you and me

For more than a decade,
You’ve chosen to hang around
Making lemony lemonade;
though not nearly as sweet as it might sound

In 2008, you were given several names
They were chronic in nature
And it was me who I blamed

So I thought you away
On a “spiritual” journey
I would be okay
No need for the meds of flesh and money

But here we are again
My dear, dear friend
As you force me to let go
To scream, kick and bend

And when I allow honesty and truth to win
You’ve been lingering now for years on end
With little exception, like 2010?

But finally…

Off of my spiritual high horse you’ve thankfully knocked me

I have been humbled
I feel fully exposed
I need support
And all of my ducks are NOT in a row

There is no room for spiritual ego
There is no room for stubborn pride
It only took me how many years
To come out from this very long hide?

So now here we are my “chronic” friend
Step by step, moment by moment
As I learn all over again how to live

So many levels and layers end
So many levels and layers begin

And once again you’ve become my new best friend
(Though please forgive me if I curse you every now and again) 😉